The Aim:

To go from a size 18 to my dream size 12 in 4 months.

My name is Stonergirl. I want my real identity to be a secret, there are certain "life choices" that i wish to remain a secret but in order to keep an accurate and sucessful diet blog all things that are relevant must be logged. Im 19 years old and Im at university in London.

I've been chubby since i was a teenager, and ive never been thin. My weights been up and down since about 13 and dieting usually doesnt last more than a few weeks. I have always been a "big" person. Im tall, at 6ft and stocky. A horrible combination for a young girl i think, i've always joked i looked like a tranny when i put heels on that are over 2inches. I've always been as tall as any boy and the tallest of all the girls. I suppose its a combination of being big and the company i keep, which is mainly male, but im quite an aggresive upfront person. Im a hard lass, and i look it. But the truth is i probably would get tired out in a fight after 5 minutes and though it looks like i do, i actually dont have a lot of upper body strength at all.

I think i have a pretty face, i get told it all the time, but im unhappy with my body and i think about it everyday, everytime i get dressed. I think about my flabby arms and tree trunk thighs and Im frustrated at myself for never doing anything about it. Im sometimes embarrassed by my body, especially when im having sex with my boyfriend, who i adore. And though i know i will never loose him over the way i look i wish he could pick me up easily and swing me over his shoulder or i wish when i go on top during sex i could feel like im not squashing him. And i want him to look at me and think "WOW thats MY girlfriend".

Im not really your stereotypical 19 year old student, i dont go out partying or clubbing that often, i have a tendency to rise above all of that, and i find a lot of people my age quite irritating. I have a handful of close girl mates from school and stuff but mostly i share my boyfriends mates, all blokes, all stoners, all really cool in their own weird way, and im proud to call them my friends. I spend most of my time with my boyfriend at uni, watching free internet shows, tv, playing videogames, reading and writing stuff, someetimes we brainstorm ideas off each other which is really cool as we both want to be writers, freelance.

I think it is important to mention now a particular lifestyle choice, i smoke weed. A lot. Everyday. Its not something i need to do, its not that sort of a drug, its more of a social drug, if you can really call it a drug at all. I dont think its worse for me than smoking cigarettes, which a lot of people choose to do. Some people find this controversial, but i say fuck em. its a completely victimless crime that keeps a lot people happy. Its part of my life and helps shape who i am, easy going, accepting and laid back, if a little anti social, unpredictable and aggressive at times. If ever i stop enjoying smoking then i will stop. I thought it was relevant to mention this as one of my main problems when dieting is something called "the munchies" i'm sure you've all heard of it. I have no regularity in my eating, and though i know its bad to be eating cheese on toast at 4.30 in the morning the munchies is overpowering at times. But i plan to try and control this demon.

The thing is, i know whats healthy and whats not, but convinience is an evil thing at times. I love my food. I love simple, hearty food, not too fussy. I love flavour. I love texture. I LOVE FOOD.
My eating habits are a cross between a typical student and a viking (lots of meat and cheese)
My main diet consists of:

Marks and Spencers Microwave Meals
I live round the corner from an M & S and find it hard to resist the temptation of creamy lovely macaroni cheese, that only takes 3mins in the microwave.

Red Meat
Mainly steak and mince meat etc.

Chips
mmmmmmmmmm. tasty, but so guilt ridden. smothered in vinegar.

Pasta
Quick cook in 5 mins, all it need is some butter and cheese, salt and pepper- sorted.

CHOCOLATE
OK, This is my main problem. I am literally a chocoholic. I find it hard not to eat something chocolately every single day, its like a fix or something. I cant wait till they bring out that sugarfree chocolate flavoured chewing gum!

Sweets
Particulary Haribo- the chewiness feels good on my teeth..weird isnt it? That i'll eat something purely because i like the way it feels.

In my mind, food plays a kind of balancing act. If i have something savoury then i will have to have something sweet to..even it out. Its slightly OCD ish.

The diet starts tommorrow, monday. So at least i get to pig out for one more day. Im gonna have a macdonalds big mac meal with a milkshake. Oh yeah.

Like i said i know what i have to do, From tommorrow I will be eating more...

Veg
I love veg, not all veg mind, i hate courgettes and raw tomato :S. The good thing about vegetables is that if u get it pre prepared, say from M & S, it doesnt take any more effort than pasta! just boil it up for a few minutes and voila! Great to munch on, i guess....though i would always prefer a packet of salt and vinegar crisps. I hate raw veg, makes me gag, which is a shame cos its really good for you. I dont mind salad but only if i make it myself from fresh leaves and veg.

Milk
I usually never drink milk on its own. Il add it to a hot drink but theres something about the consistency and smell of milk that makes me go a little sqeamish- though its do- able as long as the milk is ice cold...in a glass....not a plastic cup.

Fruit
I like most fruit, though i prefer the more expensive ones like grapes, strawberries and pineapple, because they are the sweetest ones. To be honest there is no good reason why i dont eat fruit, except that i prefer sweets! and thats really bad and has to stop. Fruit is the new sweets. Natures sweets.

There is one thing that i absolutely wont eat under any circumstances no matter how well its hidden and thats Seafood, especially fish, YUCK. The unpleasant fishy smell, the scales and slippery greasyness of it all really sickens me. Its a shame because fish is supposed to good for you.

Things i will be doing regulary from tommorrow are:

Eating "breakfast"
Well its not so much breaksfast but a healthy way of keeping me going untill a proper meal at lunch time. I cannot eat in the morning and im very much nocturnal, my usual bed time is around 4.30- 5 in the morning. This may seem atrocious to some, but its just the way i function and its suits me. I dont think it makes me drastically more unhealthy, i get a good amount of sleep. I usually get up about an hour before i have to be in a lecture at uni, this gives me enough time to get showered, hair, make up, the whole process. And if i try to scoff down some food for the sake of it i'll end up feeling worse for it than if i just dont eat anything. So to get rid of those morning hunger pangs, every morning i will be drinking a glass of milk, taking 2 cod liver oil tablets and grabbing an apple to eat on the way or in lecture. Its light and does the job, the milk and apple are good for you and fills you up and the cod liver oil tablets is something that is personally good for me. When i was younger i was in a skiing accident and twisted some cartiledge in my left knee, now my knee grinds a lot and aches if i dont move for too long. My joints are generally too stiff anyway so by taking this suplement i wont cause myself too much damage considering il be excercising regulary too from now on.

Ive never really been big on excercise, i have quite a small attention span and beleive if somethings not fun or essential then its not really worth doing, but ive figured out some fun ways to keep a bit fitter.

DANCE!
close the curtain, put your ipod in your ears and dance like no-ones watching (cos their not). Jump on the bed, flap your arms around like a crazy person, not only does it feel great to just act like a complete twat and release all your un-used energy but it will get the heart pumping and help towards dropping that weight hopefully! I listen to a lot of rock/ metal music (real rock not pussy mainstream rock) and its great to just spazz out to sometimes.

Stairs
I have four flights of 15 stairs in my building, theyre a bugger to go up and down all day, however stairs are good for your cardiovascular/heart muscles so i will be making an effort to go up and down the stairs more often as a form of excercise. As a smoker im concerned with getting heart problems and would like to keep the risk down, so half an hour of stair climbing every other day should be just fine.

Swimming
An hour twice a week at the local leisure center. Keeps you toned all over, good for stomach muscles. My stomach used to be naturally flat no matter what size i got to, but its been gettting pretty mighty over the last 6 months, so i need to get rid of that. I wish they did a water proof i-pod! Swimming is fun but can be soooo boring on your own.

Id love to do kick boxing or another martial art, its something ive always wanted to do, and something i think i could be naturally good at but never got round to it. I dont think i have the time to do this in 4 months, ive got coursework to think about etc. I'd like to have more upper body strength, like the toned outlines of muscles without actually being muscular. But this is not one of my immediate goals.

There is a certain look im going for, through my teens ive been through so many looks, babygoth, hippy, coolnerd, emo, but its never really been me, i just like to sling on whatever and make it look kool, hobo chique, its me. I wanna look good in some wide length jeans and an old strappy vest and some beads, thrown together in a very me way. Natural beauty kinda thing. Right now i hide under a lot of dark colours, i wear black and grey all the time, when i go into a shop with my mates its so obvious what im going to pick out, the grey vest or the black jumper. I wanna go into a charity shop see a top i like and know it will fit by looking at it. I wanna go jean shopping without the drama or having to be embarrassed of the size of my hips. I want it to be easy. But it will be hard to get there.

Now if you've gotten this far into the blog, you pretty much know about everything thats going on in my head right now, what i want to do, how im going to do it, but you may be asking why do all this in 4 months? Well like said, my weights been up and down for years, and the plan was in the new year to start the diet in January. I cant really explain why it didnt work out, mainly laziness and just the fact that it wasnt absolutely neccesary, basically procrastination. But there are two things coming up in the next 4 months, that make me think, "yeah i really wanna look good for this, i wanna be happy with myself and have the best time possible". In 3 and a half months im going to Spain with my friend. She has always been the thinner one out of the two of us. We went on this same holiday 2 years ago together. I think i have a prettier face than her, but she has the body. And i realised on this holiday that thats whats ultimately noticeable. She'd get all the attention from the hunky barmen, and i would just sit next to her smiling stupidly, being seen as her fat friend. Not that nowadays i would ever act on any attention that i got, i love my boyfriend more than anything, but you know, its nice to think, "yeah there looking at me". The other reason is a music festival ive been going to for a couple years now. You need to have a lot of energy to spend five days at a festival. Well thats if you want to actually have fun. I always seem to cop out, get exhausted and fall asleep missing all the action, the moving raves, all the bands in different places, the general madness that ensues all through the night. I wanna have enough energy and confidence to just have the best possible time. Festival are like stepping into another world, its madness. I cant even begin to explain right now because my hand is cramping up and im dying for a joint, but maybe i will revisit this topic in detail another time.

For now im off to have my "last supper". Im going to try to stay posistive about this whole thing and think about being thin and happy in my skin for the first time since childhood. I can do it if i try, and the more determined i become, the more i write this, the more acheivable and dare i say easy its sounding. We'll see i guess.

tommorrow i will be getting some weighing scales to weigh myself for te first time since i was 15, a prospect im not particulary looking forward to.

StonerGirl
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